The 3-Strikes Method: Fair Discipline that Gets Results

Disciplining children is one of my least favorite parenting jobs. In my ideal family—the one that existed in my head before the real ones appeared—everyone got along. All the time.

In reality, I’ve got four kids who are sometimes best of friends and sometimes worst of enemies. As a mom, I can deal with throw-up. I can tolerate boogers wiped on walls. But I cannot handle all the fighting, teasing, tattling, and prodding…it drives me crazy!

If you’re looking for a fair method of disciplining children that truly gets results, try the 3-strikes method. It has worked wonders in our home, and I’ve been using it for close to a year now. I love it because:

• there are no gimmicks or charts involved.
• It is 100% fair.
• Gives kids AMPLE warning before they get a consequence.
• Teaches kids that there are natural consequences to their decisions.

The 3-Strike Method for Discipling Children

Basically, a strike is a verbal warning for bad behavior. Every day, each child is allowed three strikes, or three verbal warnings before they lose a privilege. Yup, just like in baseball. It’s a metaphor my kids can relate to.

I decide at the beginning of the day what the special privilege is going to be, and it depends on what we happen to be doing that day. The key is, the privilege that they potentially lose has to be something they care about.

 They Lose Something They Care About

By the time they get their first strike, I tell them the privilege they will lose if they get to strike 3. It’s usually something we are going to do as a family that day, like go to grandma’s house, go to the pool, or eat ice cream after dinner.

Here’s a little scenario:

My six-year-old is ruthlessly teasing his baby brother.

Me: “Buddy, that’s strike one for you. You can’t tease your baby brother like that.”

N: “Well, what am I going to lose?”

Me: Thinking about what we’re doing that day…”You won’t be able to go swimming with us when we go to the pool after lunch.”

N: “Where will I go then? I can’t stay home alone.”

Me: “No, you can’t. You’ll sit on the side of the pool in your clothes while we all swim.”

Now that’s serious business.

The 3-Strikes Method is 100%Fair

I love this method of disciplining children because it uses open communication between parents and kids. From the time they get their first strike, kids are aware of the consequence they will get if they continue to choose bad behavior. The consequence is never a surprise to them, and it’s never sprung on them. They have more than adequate warning time before they get their consequence. In this way, even the child sees the consequence as fair because they were given control over the matter instead of a rash consequence dealt out in the heat of the moment leaving them feeling blindsided and robbed.

The 3-strikes method also teaches children that there are consequences that occur from their choices. With strike 1, my six-year-old got his first warning. He was made aware that his teasing was not acceptable and informed what the consequence would be if he kept it up. Let’s see how the rest of his day went:

N: Knocks down his sister’s block tower.

Me: “Hey buddy, I need you to be nice to your sister. Build your own tower. If you knock down her tower again, you’ll get your second strike for going to the pool.”

Eight minutes later I hear crashing blocks and a wailing sister. Upon further investigation, my suspicions are confirmed. He just couldn’t help it; he knocked down the tower.

Me: “Shoot, I’m sorry you made a bad choice. I warned you about knocking down her tower. This is strike 2 for you. If you get one more strike, you WILL NOT be going swimming with us later.”

They Can Earn Strikes 1 and 2 Back

Because I believe in a repentant soul, I allow my kids to earn strikes one and two back through exceptional behavior. To earn a strike back, they need to do something beyond the norm, like make a sibling’s bed for them or give up their favorite toy to their baby brother, etc. It needs to be a conscientious good choice that they make in their own free will.

They can’t earn strike 3 back though. By that time, it’s just too late, like a convict trying to get out of the electric chair.

This teaches them that there are payoffs for their positive behavior. It also gives them a chance at a clean slate, which I think is important, and it’s another reason this method is so fair.

How do you keep track?

Like I said, I love this method because it doesn’t require any cutesy papers or charts. I can mentally keep track of each kid’s strikes, and you’d be amazed at how well THEY keep track of them for themselves and for each other. I’ve never had to write them down, but you can if you’d like.

You HAVE To Follow Through with Your Consequence

The crux of this entire system and the only way it will work is if you keep your word. If you say that little Jane won’t be able to go to grandma’s house if she earns three strikes then she can’t go to grandma’s house when she earns three strikes.

Even if she shows you those big doe-eyes, even if she cries real tears, even if she begs and swears she’ll do better next time. Just remind yourself, you gave her AMPLE warning and she continued to conscientiously make bad choices, even after strike 1, even after strike 2, and she just didn’t feel like earning those strikes back.

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is seeing your kid lose an important privilege, but you’ve got to stick to your guns on this one. Believe me, it makes a HUGE impression.

Strike 3 Gets Results in Discipling Children

Well, as you can guess, my six-year-old was on a path of self-destruction that day and things went from bad to worse. He didn’t want to listen, didn’t want to stop teasing, and didn’t want to earn any strikes back. By lunchtime, he had earned strike 3.

I think he thought I wouldn’t actually follow through. In fact, he went upstairs with the other kids to get his swimsuit on.

Me: “Nah ah ah buddy. You don’t need a swimsuit, you chose not to swim remember?”

N: Panic starting to creep up in his eyes. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!!” Like I didn’t mean business. “I promise I won’t tease anymore! I want to swim, I WANT TO SWIM!!!”

This is where it gets tough, but if you want lasting results, and if you want the 3-strikes method to work, you cannot relent.

That afternoon, there was a sad little boy sitting on the side of the pool, fully clothed. But he learned a valuable lesson that day. He learned that his actions have consequences and that mom and dad mean business.  Isn’t that exactly what we hope to accomplish when disciplining children?

Lessons Are Learned with the 3-Strike Method of Disciplining Children

It’s not always fun being a parent, and it’s definitely not fun being the bad guy. But with the 3-strikes method, you don’t have to be! It’s fair, gives kids the power to choose for themselves, and gives them more than enough warning and even allows for them to correct their behavior. And if you use it correctly, the day will come when your kids never get to strike three. That type of day is a home run in my book.

We know parenting isn’t easy, but there are lots of real life solutions that we have found REALLY work! Here are a few more of our favorite ways to handle the dirty work of discipline in the home:

Let’s Make a Deal: 7 Parenting Tips to Negotiating with Your Kids

Four Battles You Should Let Your Kids Win

Characteristics of First, Middle, and Last Children and How To Best Love Them

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by Nicolette via Home And Garden

5 Things Parents Should Always Say YES To

Saying yes to certain things our kids ask us is very important. Sometimes as parents we get so wrapped up in the day-to-day grind that a lot of “nos” come out of our mouths.

Not right now. Maybe in a few minutes. I’m busy. No.

Kids are only kids once and our time with them goes so fast that one day, they will no longer be asking. Here are 5 important things parents and grandparents should always say yes to.

Say Yes When Your Kids Ask for These 5 Things

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1. Will you read to me?

The single most important activity a parent can do to build knowledge in their child, according to the Commission on Reading, is read aloud to them. Reading to children is not only beneficial to their development but one of the sweetest bonding moments you’ll ever have.

I vividly remember the books my mom read aloud to us: The Cat in the Hat, Miss Nelson is Missing, and The Moster at the End of This Book. And now, when we visit grandma’s house, I love that she reads the exact same books to my kids. Although dishes might be piling up or your energy is completely zapped, whenever a child asks, “Will you read to me?” try and say yes.

2. Can you play with me?

With young children, I can’t tell you how many times a day I get asked this question. Mom, will you play babies with me? Mom, will you do a puzzle with me? Mom, can we play Candyland together?

Sadly there are many times that I probably tell them not now, or in a minute. All those in-a-minutes turn into moments that are now lost. Already they are starting to ask less and less. Before they stop asking at all, I need to remind myself to say yes to playing with my kids whenever possible. Surely the day will come when I’ll give anything for one last tea party with them.

3. Watch me!

Kids love an audience, whether they’re practicing pirouettes or running their little hearts out. In our self-absorbed world of smart devices that steal our attention, let’s remember to give the most important people in the world—our kids—our undivided attention. When they ask, “Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa…watch me!” let’s give them our eyes, ears, and a great big fist pump in the air.

4. Will you hold me?

I know how frustrating being a parent can be. I’ve got four kids who all want me to drop whatever it is I’m doing and give them a little TLC. Although it may not seem like it when you’re trying to make dinner, mow the lawn, or talk to the insurance people on the phone…four of the sweetest words in the world are “Will you hold me?”

Take a second, pause what you’re doing, and snuggle them while they still want you to.

5. Can I tell you something?

We all want an open relationship with our kids. We want them to come to us at any time and tell us anything. But sometimes we just get so dang busy that we brush off their attempts to talk.

“Can I tell you something?” is grounds for complete parental attention. Put down the wash rag, put down the phone, and let them know that you’re all ears. Too many just-a-seconds lead to dead air.

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Our time with these kiddos is too short to brush them off. Saying yes to these five things especially will build relationships that last ’til they’re grown.

Photo credit for all photos featured above: MelodeeLynn Photography 

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We are huge proponents of family together time – even though we also know it can be challenging to orchestrate it at times. Here are a few more tips we have shared that help us make the most out of the time we have together:

5 Surprising Things the Happiest Families Have in Common

Why Your Bedtime Routine is More Important than You Think

5 Bonding Ideas for Your Next Family Reunion

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by Nicolette via Home And Garden

When Should You Stop Being Naked in Front of Your Kids?

Privacy, when you have young kids, is like a unicorn from Neverland, carrying a mermaid on its back with a leprechaun in her palm.

It just ‘aint gonna happen.

 

 

I swear kids come with a built-in homing device, because the moment I sneak into the bathroom by myself or sprint to the shower for a quick rinse, they’re right there, up in my business, initiating a full-scale investigation.

“Mom?”

“Mom?”

“Whatcha doing?”

“When you gonna be done?”

“Mom, can you get me a popsicle?”

“Mom, Johnny’s teasing me…”

“Mom…what is that?”

With kids ages 7, 5, 3, and 1, my bathroom door is open more times than I’d like to admit, my showers are peppered with peering eyes and 20 questions, and my dressing room is an invitation for all to frolic in and out as they please.  I’m probably ruining them, I’ve thought on many occasions.  I’m probably scarring them for life.

When should parents begin teaching privacy?

When should parents stop being naked in front of their kids?

I’ve asked myself this a hundred times.  I’m so used to my babies toddling in and out of bathrooms and closets that I’ve almost forgotten how big they are getting.  There must be an age when kids should definitely NOT see mom or dad naked, right?

Scarring them for life…

I think I’ve been a little lax in terms of teaching my kids about privacy because, frankly, they were so young that it barely seemed to matter.  But now that they are growing, I know that privacy is a very important lesson for them to learn.  Teaching privacy is the first step to arming kids with the defense they need to prevent sexual abuse.  It teaches them respect for bodies and respect for individuals.

Children should understand that there are certain times people need privacy.

So, when should you stop being naked in front of your kids?

Teaching privacy is a process, not a single talk you’ll have with your kids.

I’m not sure there is an exact age, but here’s what I’ve noticed: around ages 3-5 is when kids start to notice nakedness.  Before then, you could prance from the shower to the closet without a towel and they are utterly oblivious.  But around 3-5 years old, they see you in the shower and start to point out your lady or gentleman parts.  The blinders that they used to have are replaced by curiosity to the tenth degree.

By ages 3-5, kids are capable of honoring privacy.  But it’s easier said than done, right?  Here are 3 ways to teach privacy that have been immensely helpful in our house.

3 Ways To Teach Privacy

1. Honor Closed Doors.

Always knock on a closed door before entering.  Always.

Teaching and enforcing this rule is HUGE in learning privacy.  Parents, don’t be afraid to close and lock the bathroom door.  As long as knives are out of reach, your littles will be fine for the few minutes you are in the bathroom.  It’s okay if they cry for a moment.  If mom’s closet door is closed, kids should knock first and wait for her to say it’s okay to enter.  Same goes for honoring your children’s privacy.  Parents and siblings should knock first and wait for affirmation before entering (unless of course your parent instincts tell you otherwise).   When getting dressed or using the restroom, we’ve gotten into the habit of saying:

Tip: Use “Privacy please,” as a cue phrase.

When the door is closed, “Privacy please…” is a great phrase to remind the other person to give you a moment.  Visual reminders are another great tool.  Hang a sign on your bathroom or closet door that reminds children to knock first.

Enforcing this one rule will take your children far.  At grandma’s house, at a friends house, and at your house.

2. There Are Certain Things We Don’t Do in Front of Others.

This is a great concept to start with.  Putting on shoes is okay to do in front of others.  Putting on underwear is not.  Washing your hands is okay to do in front of others.  Using the bathroom is not.  Have this discussion with your kids; you can even make a game out of it by quizzing them on different scenarios.  As your kids get older, the situations will be different, but the conversation should always be open.

 

3. The parts of your body that your swimsuit covers are private.

A good way to teach children how to honor the body is to teach them about modesty.  A fantastic way to explain this is that the parts of your body that your swimsuit covers are private.  Is also a good idea to teach them correct anatomical names to indicate they are private, but not so secret that you can’t talk about them.

Children should emphatically understand that NO ONE has the right to touch their bodies in those places.  No one, not even the doctor should touch those private places unless mom or dad is there.

Privacy may be different in your house, depending on the ages of your children, your culture, and your beliefs; but the bottom line is that children are capable of understanding and honoring privacy.  This is good news for parents like me who know all too well the squished face of a toddler peering under the bathroom door, carrying on a vivid conversation as if nothing were amiss.

And this is fantastic news if you’ve ever had a five-year-old call your bum “wobbly.”

Peace, love, and privacy!

Asking yourself those tough questions is all part of the parenting “package”. A lot of times it’s guess work, but we are always happy to share what works for us! Check out of few more of our secrets to winning at the parenting game:

5 Things Every Parent Should Know Before Talking to Kids About Sex

What a Six-Year-Old Taught Me About Honesty

STOP FIGHTING! 24 Ways To Help Your Kids Stop Fighting

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by Nicolette via Home And Garden

Fall Themed Quiet Book Patterns!

You guys LOVED our original Felt Quiet Book so you will be as excited to see these new Fall Quiet Book Patterns as I am to show you!

These 3 FALL themed quiet book patterns are the first in a series of 12 that will depict all 4 seasons when complete. You could make 1 smaller book for each season, or once they are all released, put them all together into 1 bigger book.

 I didn’t think the Quiet Book could get any more adorable…but Chickabug has done it again! See for yourself, watch this video!

Fall Quiet Book Patterns You and Your Kids Will Love

Scroll through these photos and picture how adorable your book is going to turn out and how much the little one you make it for is going to LOVE it!..(hint: buy it now and be ready for Christmas!)  These quiet books are perfect for technology-free fun and imaginative play.

#1 Haunted House

 

$3.99

__________

#2 Jack O’ Lantern

$3.99

__________

#3 THANKSGIVING

$3.99

__________

You can also see these patterns and ALL the original quiet book patterns in our HowDoesShe Store!

*PLEASE NOTE: THESE ARE DIY PRINTABLE PATTERNS AND NO PHYSICAL ITEMS WILL BE SHIPPED – NO REFUNDS WILL BE OFFERED.

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We hope you love these as much as we do!  As you make them (or gift them), please share pictures with us on Instagram and Facebook using hashtag: #hdsquietbook

And get excited for the next season, WINTER, to add to your collection!

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by Missy via Home And Garden